- Panel one, have him walk IN and let’s see him holding the bag.
- Don’t rely only on words for gags. This could (if a real cartoon) be seen in other languages, so use visuals to support it where you can. So adding an ‘eye’ graphic on the screen will help drive home the message here.
- Third panel. A bit more acting here would be good. How does he feel about this? Was he expecting this? Annoyed? Confident? Have some fun here with another panel or two.
- Fourth panel, have the jar come IN to shot and the screen still with eye/required message. THEN screen changes to approved (give it the before and after poses). But we can’t SEE “approved” on that tiny screen. Consider changing this to a big check-mark (that could be green in a finished film).
- Panel six, same thing. Maybe add a hand graphic. But hook it up by starting with the check mark, then it changes to this next request.
- Panel one, use same shot/set up as for reaching in for the jar. Could add more acting too. Mounting frustration? Use the opportunity instead of the hand at the bag shot. But just end on him reaching into the bag (not pulling out the hand).
- Panel two, hand comes IN to shot. Two poses with the screen still with hand graphic. Second pose changes to check mark.
- Panel three, keep as is, then add another “Ha!” victory pose. Then it changes to panel 5 with your “Huh??” pose.
- NOW show panel 4. But uh…use a graphic for the message. (Good luck with that one…)
- Now REPEAT panel five’s “Huh??” pose, then add a “Grr!!” pose to it (two panels).
- Panel six kind of ruins your hammer gag. (Unless the gag was that he was going to pull a wee-wee out of the bag…but I didn’t think he was. So it kinda doesn’t work.) I’d suggest going wider with him standing in front of the door to start. Then he could turn his back to us, faking us out that he’s going to whip out HIS wee-wee. (A “zip” sound FX could be fun…but it’s the bag).
- NOW do the hammer gag as is, only cropped a bit closer.
- Third, fourth & fifth panel has that perspective thing again. Even lower horizon line will help.
But from here to the end, I think could use more story help. Nothing really ‘interesting’ happens from here to the end. Shots of someone just walking (while this should be an exciting break-out) just aren’t that fun to watch.
The rest of the critique will be up in a day or two; which will give me time to clean all the tear-stroked mascara off of my face!